Monday, Jan. 02, 2006 - 10:04 a.m.

Well, what happened was that Ray came in to dinner last night, apologized for "not being very good company these days", which I politely accepted because hey, what choice did I really have (and if he can offer an insincere apology, I can offer an insincere acceptance, can't I?).

He headed back upstairs and I patted him on the back. He turned around and hugged me, sobbing. No big deal; he does that a lot, apparently. But then I had to say something. But I can't really say stuff like I have been thinking these past few days-- a) I'm sure he already knows darn well how everyone feels about his behavior, and b) there's no sense in hurting him more, making him feel more guilty and crappy. It really won't help, to be hurtful back, even if he is hurting us. So I just said, hey, it's a new year. It's not about forgiveness. There's no forgiving. I was always proud to have you as a brother. You always used to do your best. I know you have the strength in you to do it again if you want. It can't come from anywhere else. But you have it in you. And he said, yes, I do. And for a moment he was the brother I used to have.

But, I can't harbor any fantasies that my words can do anything. I can't motivate him to change. I wish I could-- wouldn't that be something, to deliver a nice short positive little pep talk and have him go, "yeah, I do have it in me! Thanks, sis!", and turn his life around. That would be swell.

He will act like he understands me (maybe he does), but will continue to do what he wants, and like as lot that will be to continue as is. Indeed, he's already disappeared today. Maybe I was wrong, and he doesn't have the strength.

�