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Language Log

Monday, Mar. 20, 2006 - 5:04 p.m.

And so it begins again.

Feelings of incompetence, inadequacy, strangely coupled with self-satisfaction at having done so well on the test I took before the break; renewed resolve.

Sometimes I wish I were one of those people who doesn't see their own faults. Sometimes that is all I see, the things I would like to improve. I would like for my brain to go faster. And more smoothly. Yes, let's get new shocks in there if we're going to have an overhaul.

Of course, being able to see my faults is what keeps me striving. I really do rather well, in the grand scheme of things. But all I see is that I can't focus on details, can't resist taking naps. It bothers me greatly, and I put a lot of attention on how to strategize around my limitations. I see some very successful people who just plunge forward unselfconsciously, say their stupid things, misunderstand, correct and press ahead, and they seem to get farther than me.

See, here I am now, wasting my time worrying about something I can't change. I should be working on something, which would actually result in some degree of success, but instead here I am grousing about my propensity to grouse about myself. It's recursive self-sabotage!

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