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Language Log

Tuesday, Dec. 29, 2009 - 9:41 a.m.

Well, the in-laws are still here. Helping us with lots of things to get ready-- much appreciated. We'd never have gotten all this done so quickly on our own. But, yes, you know it, driving me nuts anyway. I'm such an ingrate.

Mandatory disclaimer so I don't sound like a completely unmitigated asshole: They are very nice people, I couldn't hope for better in-laws. I appreciate all they do. I realize am immature to complain about anything about them, given how awesome they really are. Now, that said...

1. Baby's rooms do not have to be filled in every conceivable way with babyish things. If the carpet is of abstract design rather than adorned with big-eyed animals, probably the baby will survive ok. I hear that in other countries, babies don't even have their own area rugs. Can you imagine?

2. I don't really have to 'do' the bathroom, do I?

3. No, I said no fucking curtains. Enough about the fucking curtains.

4. Same goes for the lamp. The lampshade is beige. I don't think that will damage the baby's soul either.

5. This has come up before. We don't need baby towels and baby washcloths. It's a marketing ploy. The towels are THE SAME. But smaller. I promise I will not accidentally flay the baby because I dried her off with an adult towel. There have been no reported incidents of this to date.

6. Change the crib sheets every day? Are you serious? OMG, I think she is serious. It is to weep. Maybe we should just go ahead and hand the baby over to state protective services when she's born, save them the cost of investigating our abuses.

7. Yes, I think the sock zombie is an appropriate toy for a child. Hah!

8. Pacifiers look stupid, and I'm not going to start the kid on one if it isn't clear that it would be beneficial for her. Period. That means we're not buying them NOW, even if you are offering to pay. Thanks.

9. My doula and the teacher at the breastfeeding class (and all of the several books I have on the topic) said that breastfeeding should not hurt if it's done correctly. So please stop telling me that my nipples are going to be chapped and cracked. If I thought for a second that that might be true, I'd change my mind about the whole thing quicker than you can say "self-centered bitch!", and you don't want that, do you?

10. I'd really prefer the unscented baby lotion, because I actually kinda hate the smell of babies.

That last one nearly gave her a heart attack. She had just suggested we buy a scented lotion because it smelled "like babies, I love the smell of babies, isn't it wonderful?" whereupon I stopped short and grabbed the other one and mentioned that I can't stand the smell of babies. She actually perceptably reeled.

Later, J came up with a more politic way of expressing the same idea, but I don't know that I'd use it even if I could have a do-over. It's been so long since I've been around people so easy to shock...transgression, one of the simpler pleasures of life...just a little sadism to make up for the fact that I have been for days now patiently receiving a lot of advice I don't want, being force-fed a tall sugary milkshake of gender stereotypes, and would drown in a sea of cutsey-poo if they had their way.

Ok, think that's out of my system. For now. Update: This morning, it turns out that mil spent some time online last night researching scent-free baby detergents for me, since I hate the smell of babies. Apparently there is one available at Target, and we will go to get some today. This is why she is a simply better person than me. I am aware of it, thank you.

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