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Language Log

Friday, Apr. 29, 2011 - 1:29 p.m.

Sometimes it feels like I'm never going to get time to myself again, ever. If she goes down for a nap, I have to cook, clean up, do whatever paperwork I've been neglecting lately, pack, shower if I want to get to shower (which I only do about every 4 days now). The promise of J taking her more this semester has largely fallen through. That resentment I feared before she was born is finally beginning to rear its head. As I have less time to work on my own projects, the projects fall away, which in turn makes it seem like I have even less reason to need time to myself. Why shouldn't I let J sleep in another half hour, it's not like there's anything urgent I need to do, anyway, and he was up all night? It's a slippery slope, my friend.

What does "time to myself" look like if I do get it? Trying to hide in my studio while I hear her crying and fussing in the other room. This usually goes on for about 15 minutes before J decides she must need to nurse or need a nap (then she doesn't want a nap, but making her try to nap when she doesn't want one results in a meltdown, to resolve which I am often called in, because if she didn't want to nurse at the beginning of it, she does by the end). And yeah? How much quality does that free time have? When I hear her cry, I feel an obligation to help her, and often come to do so even if not asked (a compulsion which I appear to be the only one suffering from). It doesn't make for focus.

J, I know you probably don't see it this way, but keep it to yourself, willya? This is my diary. I reserve the right to present my admittedly subjective view here.

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