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Language Log

Friday, May. 23, 2014 - 11:46 a.m.

Annoyed all day. LEAVE ME ALONE, CHILDREN. I do not want to play the game of 'hey let's spend all morning pulling out every goddamn toy in the closet, playing with it for 30sec, and then asking you to put it back (alternate: just leaving it out on the floor)'. NO you may not come I here whole I am tiring to get the baby down for his nap. You were playing happily until I told you that was where I was going. Please get the fuck out and don't make me drag you out of the room. Shut up, please. YES, every time you two fight over a toy I want to take it and chuck it in the trash. Or through the window. There would be much less frustration that way-- less shit on floor, less to fight over. Why haven't I tossed those baby toys yet? I wonder with regret every time I see them. Why is there ANYTHING IN THE CLOSET AT ALL. I want that fucker EMPTY.
And it just got worse because they do not believe in letting up for one second. I migrate from one room to another trying to find a moments peace while they play, but they follow me immediately. My peaceful parenting advisors say, remove what is annoying you before it becomes a problem. So I ask her not to play with the beeping monitor. She keeps on. She needs help complying and I need to model self-care, so I put it up high in our closet. And she goes and gets the stool. So I toss it upstairs and lock the door, come back to find her dragging all kinds of shit out of the closet. So I pick her up and toss her away from closet. Gently? I don't really know, I was so fucking pissed. It was only a foot or two. And I take her stool and stick it outside, then lock and chain the door. Then she tries to get past me to unlock it. So I stand there while she swats at me and cries. I tell her if she doesn't let up, I will toss the fucker into the alley and someone will steal it. Now she is upset because I said someone will steal it. I try to calm down and tell her look, when I tell you something is bothering me, please don't play with it, I need you to respect that because if you keep up I am just going to lose my shit. When I get frustrated, I need you to put the thing away and give me a break, play with one of the other 800 toys you have. Or I will have to put it away for you. No? Wait, why do we have all these toys anyway of you don't want to play with them? Shall we throw them out, too? Now what was supposed to sound like self-awareness and modeling anger management strategies sounds like a threat. I feel like my ex-boyfriend. "Obey or I will break your things." U needs nap. Ok, I am going to get u down for nap. Please be patient and I will come play with you. "No I am coming with you. He does not want a nap, I will not be quiet!" I start crying, she laughs at me. I stifle urge to slap her, go to room with Uly, lock door as she tries to follow. Uly does not fall asleep. When shit like this happens, I feel like all my good parenting is for nothing. I have just modeled yelling, breaking, use of force and threats. I apologize, but feel like the apology is an empty excuse and I'm just teaching her that if she says she is sorry, she can get away with anything. Or must accept it from anyone. And she can't understand my explanations, not is she especially interested in them. All that matters is what I DO, and I have failed miserably today.

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