Tuesday, May. 16, 2017 - 11:12 p.m.

U has gotten into calling everyone stupid when he is mad. Tonight he tried to throw his shirt into the laundry hamper and missed; E picked it up and put it in there for him and he got mad and started yelling at him. I said hey, stay kind, he was trying to help you. "Well he WASNT helping! Stupid E!" And then I had to restrain him from being physically aggressive. Then when I left the room: "BYE STUPID".

I feel so sad and hurt about it. I feel like I'm not supposed to have my feelings hurt by a 4 year old, but it kind of gives me flashbacks to bad old days of regular verbal abuse. I have to suppress the urge to smack him every time. I don't do it, but honestly it is a struggle. I don't know how to go forward with this. Ignore? It feels wrong to let him call me names. I have a harder time staying warm and affectionate with him. It is worse because I had a long conversation with him about that word and what it means, how it makes people feel. And the result was he started using it more and calling me that. Feels like a betrayal. I know he's only 4. I think I am not cut out for this business. Parents should not be so vulnerable to having their feelings hurt. But I really have no skin at all. It isn't even thin. If I love a person it takes NOTHING for them to kill me.

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