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Language Log

Friday, Jul. 14, 2017 - 12:30 p.m.

The kids were jumping on my bed and getting all tangled up in the sheets and pulled all the sheets off the bed and were arguing about who got the one sheet and I was really close to losing it because now I had to make the fucking bed again and we basically have no way of keeping them out of our room since they all sleep there anyway and E was crying to nurse by the big kids wouldn't leave to let me lay down. I was going to keep it together, I said, "M listen I am really dangerously close to losing my temper right now and I don't want to and I know you don't want me to so I am going to tell you what I need to help me calm down. I need you to get up and leave the room so I can make the bed and nurse your brother. Please get up and go, I am having a hard time staying calm." At which point, she...totally ignored me. And I yelled at her at the top of my lungs to get out of my room, yanked the sheet off of her and hit her with it and threw her iPad out the room after her. Then had to get up and push them out the door. Because even when I am an abusive fuck my children don't have the goddamn sense to cower. They're like the stupid girl in the "fearless girl" statue who is about to get ground into the dirt by the bull.

Like here I am, trying to calm down by venting and those two dumb shits are doing their best to break down the door. How should I respond. Because I have a strong urge to violence. I have a strong urge to rage clean and throw out all their goddamn toys all over the floor.

What are they trying to do. What do they honestly fucking think I am going to do if they break the door or break a chair trying to break the door. Update: I stayed in the room but ended up having a meltdown. Eventually E moved the chair and let them in, and they yelled questions at me and poked me with things, which prolonged it considerably. U was concerned but kept asking me questions I couldn't answer. M thought I was mad because she drew a mean picture about me. But she kept yelling at me and threatening to hit me. WHEE. Eventually they left me alone long enough for me to recover somewhat, and then J came home to help. It's a weird state. I am aware of what is going on around me and I can think clearly, and understand people, but nothing much comes out. It's like I should be able to just pull myself together and stop, but that just isn't the case. It's an implosion.

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