Thursday, Jul. 27, 2017 - 4:00 p.m.

Thanks for the notes, y'all. I don't know anyone who can come in. My kids resist authority. We tried this in the past, but eventually they do something questionable-- take a toy from the little one or say something rude, and the new person is like "whoa hey there" or tries to get them to clean up or something and then all hell breaks loose. I can't subject some kid to that. The only person that can come help is my mom and a) ITS MY MOM and b) she doesn't have a car now so I have to go pick her up. Plus she expects me to sit there and chat or whatever. I can't just go take care of myself. I suppose I should keep trying to find someone who will get along with them, but I dunno. It's too hard. I mean, I'll see her this week, but it usually leaves me feeling worse, not better.

We have all this coming up: travel to TN to visit J's folks. Co-op classes starting in August (I will teach book arts, which requires a lot of thought and prep and I can't seem to get started and I will have basically 1 week to prep after J gets back, and I really want to run away from the whole thing). Then J goes on another international trip. Then a birthday trip in September. (Maybe to a place I don't want to go). Trip to NY in October for the big wedding party for my brother in law. It will overlap with Halloween and we will be doing Halloween there, which I do not like.

At the very least the October trip will be by plane, and so I'm having deep fear of having another public shutdown/meltdown like I did that one time. I think we have figured out a way to make it not so bad, but the fear is still there. Then the big party, where we have to try to manage our children in that totally novel situation with a lot more of J's family around. I haven't been to see them in several years and am now more aware of how everything gets talked about. I don't like being talked about and am anxious about that, too. But especially if the kids have trouble. I just want to avoid all of it and stay home. Oddly enough, that was not an option presented to me. I suppose it would not be healthy.

But to me it's all a big blur of TRAVEL WHEN TO TRAVEL WHERE TO TRAVEL HOW TO TRAVEL WHEN WHAT HOW FIRST THIS THEN THAT BOOKS A PROJECT WHAT PROJECT PEOPLE LOOKING U GRABBING KICKING Q HITTING AND SCREAMING PEOPLE LOOKING MORE TRAVEL HALLOWEEN SOMEONE ELSES IDEAS and all my plants are dead and now it's time to plan for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I'll be under the bed, thanks.

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