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Sunday, Jul. 30, 2017 - 1:17 p.m.

I am not going to enumerate every irritating thing my children do. I don't have the time, for one thing.

Today I got to where I felt like I needed a break. I am trying to be mindful of my internal state and take a break before I snap. I went into bedroom and sat in chair by drafting table because they were supposed to be eating breakfast. But they all come in, fighting over a toy. I sort that out and go outside. They come out 30 seconds later, fighting over something else. I just kept moving from room to room and they just kept following me. Every time I left the room E would end up crying and I would feel angrier at U. I explicitly told him I needed some time alone in order to have a happy, calm brain, and he explicitly told me he would not let me be alone. Eventually I left to sit in car. They all came out in the yard and yelled at me and tried to figure out how to break car door to get me out. They didn't try it, I'm happy to say.

Right now nursing e and the other 2 are in here flopping around on the bed and telling each other to shut up. They won't leave me alone for a damn minute.

U's issues are that he has social anxiety and maybe some self-esteem issues. He experiences it as personal rejection when someone says they want to be by themselves. He does play by himself, but not because anyone has asked him to. Asking him to not be near is issuing a personal challenge to him.

Yesterday he was mad at me and told me to leave the house and never come back. I took this as indicating he is insecure about my love for him. I told him then and later that I would never, could never leave him, no matter how mad I was or how mad at me he was. But that sometimes I do need be alone to calm down.

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