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Tuesday, Oct. 10, 2017 - 2:02 p.m.

Very frustrated with myself lately. I need exercise. My children need exercise. I would walk, but only 2 children fit in the stroller and the other hates walking and walks really fucking slow, so I can't take all 3 on walks. Maybe once every 3 months I get to take one or two for a walk in the morning, but that isn't enough. I am out of shape and miss walking at least an hour a day.

Swimming. One child loves swimming. Well, all 3 love swimming but only one is remotely water safe, and it's too hard for me to go swimming with all 3. I have to be in there playing with them the whole damn time and then I'm wet and cold and drippy but have to dry everyone off first. It's icky. If I could I would take Q swimming every day, if I could just sit there and chill. But I can't. So we don't go even though that's the only physical exercise she gets.

She is fat. This bothers me so much, and I hate that this bothers me so much. I would be ok with it if she would stop eating so much and would go for a walk once in a while but instead I feel like I am failing her as a parent because I can't get her to do either. And there are times when she looks like an amazing stereotype trifecta of parenting failure: a 7 year old with a giant belly, who whines and refuses to take walks or run, and who is occasionally very rude and mean. I try to teach her about eating a balanced diet but can't figure out how to say YOU ARE EATING TOO MUCH without wanting to say YOU ARE FAT STOP EATING SO MUCH SO YOU WONT BE FAT. I say YOU CANT EAT CHEESE ALL THE TIME YOU HAVE TO EAT THINGS THAT ARE NOT CHEESE AND HAMBURGERS AND BREAD. And she asks why. This is all horrible and I hate it. This self-loathing that I don't want to pass on to her, and this fear that she will be judged and have people against her all her life all because people do that to fat people.

And meanwhile I am getting fat again too because my fatass daughter won't go for a fucking walk. So here I am blaming her for that too. I don't, intellectually. But I do, emotionally. I need to fix the fucking problem but I don't know how. I don't have the energy.

Even little things like, we used to walk on the river walk a little before farmers market. We stopped when it got hot, we kept getting out of the house too late, and just drove right there and got back in car. Before our breakfast of chocolate croissants and popsicles. Now it's cooling off and the market is open late, but now she WILL NOT walk on the river walk any more.

Going to a playground-- I have to bring snacks. Then she stands around and eats snacks. Or stands around and complains if I haven't brought any. Her games are sedentary, she still can't swing on her own.

I do something like introduce an afternoon snack because the boys regularly cluster around me and ask for food incessantly while I try to make dinner, and next thing you know she MUST have snack every day and MUST have seconds of goldfish and what else? What else is there? Breakfast at 11, lunch at 1, snack at 3 or 4, dinner at 7, treat at 8, good night snack at 10. And NO GODDAMNED EXERCISE EVER. And psychologically she needs these to segment her day and understand time, but also she is very particular about what she will have and so I can't just throw grapes at her twice a day and call it snack.

I feel like I should be able to get everyone up early, bring banana and go for a walk to the playground, come home for lunch, chill and do lessons and nap, screen time, snack, dinner/evening family walk. That would be grand. But the entropy around here, you just would not believe. The resistance. Chasing people around for an hour to get them dressed. Arguing about it. We're finally ready to go but now they are playing a game and ignore me. I am not capable of exerting the force to get this train rolling. I don't know how to fix it.

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