Sunday, Jan. 07, 2018 - 12:59 p.m.

U tried to go into Q's room after her shower this morning-- he knows she likes this time to be alone and get dressed and play quietly a little, he was being a pesky little brother-- and she slammed the door on his wrist. I go in to comfort him and she starts fussing at me to get out. I poked her in her belly with my finger. Three or four pokes to her big fat belly. She cried and I immediately felt like shit. See how my anger is no more controllable than theirs. See how my anger transforms into disgust at her body, and aggression against her body. See how her body is a focal point for my every sense of failure as a parent. Will noticing this help? I hope so.

I am feeling overwhelmed again.
Items:
1. Q's birthday party on Wednesday. After swim lesson and lunch out, because Wednesday.
2. Must make cake on Tuesday.
3. Friday we go on a trip to San Diego for her birthday. I don't want to. I am stressed out by the idea that I am expected to Do Things and Have Fun. YOU CANNOT REQUIRE THAT OF ME.
4. The next Thursday the co-op classes start again and I don't want to do it. Class is not planned, I am not excited or even interested, I regret offering, and I'm pretty sure it's going to be a weekly trash fire trying to manage these 3 kids through it. I can't back out but I also don't n ow what I will do if the children go unmanageable during it, week after week. It's 3rd hour, too, and will they ever make it all the way through without incident? I doubt it.

I just want to curl into a little ball of CAnt Even, or work on pointless art projects all day. Ugh.