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Friday, Apr. 27, 2018 - 7:07 a.m.

At co-op yesterday when E was raging to go go back in and rampage through the sanctuary, I was standing there kvetching a bit to the other parents and one of them said how she admired how calm I always stayed in what were obviously very frustrating situations. “Since all 3 of your kids have such....different personalities.” I was amazed. My mind was not calm at all, I was screaming and cursing silently and my brain was crumpling up in anxiety and frustration. Just illustrates that how you feel inside and how others perceive you can be so disconnected. “Surely they can see that in my head I am strangling my toddler?”. No. Apparently not. Even when I’m doing all the stress stims. Well, some in this group notice the stress stims but are polite enough not to mention them. But that I also seem calm on top of that is simply amazing.

Just goes to show that when I am dying inside, I still have a knack for appearing in control. Maybe J would disagree. Anyway I should remain aware that this is a superpower I have and not show my hand if I can help it. Sometimes you want people to know what a hard time you’re having, but most of the time you keep the upper hand and some measure of dignity if you don’t.

I will miss the planet enthusiast kid. Yesterday he had a whole drama going with first, a roll of masking tape, and second, the empty marker box.

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