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Friday, Jul. 13, 2018 - 1:51 p.m.

Today I was supposed to have free time to go explore on my own a bit. I did, I did get that time, and my plan was to go for a walk along the busy shopping district street nearby, get a coffee and people watch a bit.

Instead, I went for walk, walked along oh god there’s a lot of people. A lot of people. Where do I go. I need to figure out where to go but I can’t stop because of all the people. Felt the panic start to build. A need to step off to the side and think. Can’t because people. Nowhere to go. Was about to head straight home but fortunately found a used bookstore to duck into. All bookstores feel close enough to familiar to me. I bought 2 books I don’t need, them went to coffee shop across the street where I found that I wasn’t as recovered as I thought. I stimmed, stared at the wall, slugged down the bitter coffee, and went home. Made it home without going into full meltdown, so yay I guess?

So I get it when the kids are being difficult and I have a meltdown. I still don’t expect it to be a thing when I’m all by myself, trying to do something ostensibly enjoyable that I have selected to do. It is first and second order upsetting.

Going into a coffee shop: I have been in coffee shops before. But if I haven’t been in that. specific. one. then it’s all brand new and I just want to stand there and watch and get a feel for it before I go in. Maybe a couple weeks. Haha. This is why I understand when M resists a new restaurant and says she “doesn’t like the look of it”, without ever going in. It is this feeling she is having. If I have someone with me to center me, I’m ok. By myself, it’s pretty hard the first time or two.

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