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Language Log

Sunday, Jul. 22, 2018 - 4:23 p.m.

It’s like I’m a phone whose battery is wearing out. You have to put me back on my charger (BED) after every task or I will stop working. Just laying me on the counter will keep the battery from depleting as quickly, but it doesn’t charge me back up. I need to lay in my bed for that to happen.

We went berry-picking and the berry picking was pleasant enough but then J was like “now let’s go to lunch!” and I thought, oh god. So far from home and it made sense, but if I could have had a break, I would have. I had to sit most of it out. Little things felt insurmountable. E didn’t want to put his shoes on when I offered to help, he wanted to do something else and it would have ended up harder for me and I nearly burst into tears with the frustration. Then the arguments about who would sit where at the table, not being able to pick a spot that didn’t make someone cry or yell at me, fight over letting U throw a napkin on the floor, fight over my not losing a tic tac toe game dramatically enough, fight over getting a TOTALLY NEW PAPER because the one I gave him e had put a crayon mark on. I can’t sit by him without him constantly scooting closer and leaning against me and so I moved to the other table and then went to the car. All these things where I just want to do the simple thing I want to do with my own person without it being a battle, and every single thing is a struggle and my plan for my own minor actions is thwarted at every juncture.

The fight to get them to leave, and gather their toys, and for E to get in his seat and buckled in. Then J said, “there’s a playground I wanted to take them to” and I just don’t understand how a person can just do a thing and then another thing and then another thing like that. He’s going to take me home so I can recharge. I hate that he ends up doing so much of the work. I don’t really want it to be that way but I have a sense of where I am and that is—on verge of tears, the thick reluctance and difficulty of talking. On the precipice, in other words.

I slept pretty well last night, too. I don’t know. Where can I get a new battery?

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