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Saturday, Sept. 15, 2018 - 9:20 p.m.

Tonight was the TST event. I had lined up a friend to go with me but he backed out at the last minute, which is fine, I’m not salty. But when I thought about going solo I remembered the hard time I had at the concert recently and just the thought of it made me want to cry. So I didn’t go. Think about going: nearly have a panic attack. Don’t go: feel like a loser. Oh well.

More often lately have been feeling the urge to nap as a way of letting my brain process all the stuff in my day. I’ve always been a napper, but the state of pressure in my brain beforehand vs afterward seems very noticeable these days.

Today I had a terrible dream in which I was trying to cook food in the kitchen and my mother was standing there irritating me as she does, trying to talk and tease me. She had some ambrosia salad she kept trying to get on me and I was becoming increasingly agitated about it. I was bothered that no one was helping to get her out of there. Everyone was just walking around ignoring the situation. Then I slowly realized that she had been dead for several years and I was having a psychotic break and hallucinating everything.

It was very disturbing and I woke in the wake of this unpleasant feeling. So I’m feeling moody and heavy now.

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