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Language Log

Tuesday, Mar. 05, 2019 - 2:14 p.m.

At playground. Q has gotten herself stuck on the thing she always gets herself stuck on and I help coach her down gently and patiently. Less than a second after getting her feet back on the right platform, she says, “go away now”. I pause to say, “ok, I AM going” but it’s not fast enough. “Go! Go! SHOO” she yells right in my face. I try to reprimand her for it and say I am going, but she just keeps yelling at me to go away.

This is what hurts, when we’ve helped or are trying to help and she attacks us.

I go back to the car and cry. A couple minutes later they all come up wanting to go home. They’re all thirsty. I go to refill my water but the fountain isn’t back on yet. I notice that U has a full cup of water. I take it to pour into my cup. He starts yelling at me not to. Some trash falls on the floor. He is screaming at me to put the trash back, put the water back. I tell him everyone is thirsty and he has water. I take the lid off and take a sip, because I’m thirsty, this is stupid, these little shits have drank all my water and there’s no goddamn reason for this. Then I put it back. He screams. Q is saying “No no no no NO, mommy!”

I’m overwrought now and I get in the car to go. U is screaming about his trash, Q is screaming “look what you did”, E is screaming out of sympathy for U. I tell him the reason U wants the trash is because he has a mental problem. Normal people do not save trash. Then I start screaming myself just to join in. Q screams at me not to scream. No one will shut up, we drive all the way home like this, Q telling me what a bad mommy I am. The trash he wants is just on the fucking car floor and I try to explain this but I can’t even make my voice heard over them. They are so loud. I am crying and driving and actively thinking about how someday I will drive us all off a fucking cliff. I say, “Someday when you all can’t shut up I’m gonna drive us all off a mountain.” I immediately feel like an abusive shit. They stop for a few seconds and then start up again, angrier at me. Q starts telling me why I’m bad, U why he is bad for making me upset, and E that he “never helps”. I tell them they’d all be better off without me. I feel this is true. E starts telling me I should die.

We arrive home, I unbuckle E, and run upstairs to write this.

Hi, I’m an emotionally abusive shitbag and I hate myself. I absolutely believe they would be better off without me. What good I do is completely offset by the damage I do. There is no excuse. I hate myself. Somebody please put me out of my misery.

They never let up. Never. They are children and I am supposed to be better but I am shit. I can’t take it. I was not meant for this. I was never up to this. One child I could handle. When I have three of the little shits all coming at me from different angles at the same time, no, I can’t.

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