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Saturday, Apr. 13, 2019 - 2:39 p.m.

Feeling strangely immobilized today. Laying in bed staring like I do when I’m having some sort of depressive episode, but I don’t feel sad about anything. Just immobilized. If anything I feel the weight of everything I should be doing and I can’t do it.

I need to message my cousin and tell her we aren’t coming to the family reunion. And my other cousin who wrote to tell me how much she was looking forward to seeing us there.

House cleaning at a near standstill, reward system notwithstanding.

Yard is terrible.

Supposed to take E to play but the other kid got sick and now I have to reschedule. God. I already scheduled once. Why do I have to do it again.

J goes on the first of his cluster of trips next Wednesday. Back for a couple days and then off for the next one. I don’t know how I will do bedtime. Bedtime is when I am most in danger of losing my fucking mind with rage. Both boys still need me to lay with them to sleep. If E goes to sleep early U will come in and talk at full volume and walk and jump around on the bed and basically keep e awake enough that he won’t let me leave. If U wants bed first, E won’t stay out of the room and U will get angry. It all happens too late for my mother to help.

So basically they will all run around jumping and fighting until...until what. Forever maybe. Then when they go to sleep if either of them wakes to find me not with them, they’ll come to find me, wake me, make me come lay down with them. So I will pingpong back and forth all night. And I get to do this for like a week. And then another week.

Maybe I should ask mom to come stay in the casita. She can hang out with e and maybe he’ll sleep over there.

Remind me this time next week that this is how I am earning my extremely self-indulgent trip to Wales in September.

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