Sunday, May. 19, 2019 - 12:26 p.m.

Yesterday was ok. Mom came over again. Brought dinner, which the kids actually ate. Uly has stopped eating anything she brings apart from pie.

1. My brother once said, “It’s like no matter what you do, it isn’t good enough for her.” It was the first time we had really talked about her as a mother and there we were, 18 years apart in age and he said exactly how I felt about it. This was before he relapsed, too.

Now I hear her with my kids and she can never just enjoy them for them. She’s always moralizing, always suggesting, always implicitly criticizing and trying to shape them. Uly would be the one to pick up on it first.

2. She was outside with them while I was making my contribution to dinner and they kept wanting to be near the road and wouldn’t listen to her. She told me she just tapped them very gently with a stick while chastising them.

Am angry. A gentle spank is still a spank. It’s not about the physical damage. I have been rougher when angry and having to hold someone back physically, but never as a first resort like she does.

But then she was marveling at how upset they got right away. ITS AS THOUGH THEY CAN DETECT DISRESPECT WHEN THEY SEE IT. And yes, they are disrespectful too, but they are children and lord knows we’re trying to teach them. But you don’t teach respect with disrespect and fear. At least, I don’t want to.

Anyway, she ducking defended it as always. “You have to, nothing else works!”
“Well that doesn’t work either.”
“Well it DID!”

What worked was getting up off your old ass and getting near them instead of just shouting from across the yard. Not hitting, or threatening to hit.

Anyway wish I could get her to stay home today. What little help she is isn’t worth it in terms of the amount I have to listen to her, and the damage to my kids. But ya know, it might hUrT hEr FeELiNgS and I wouldn’t want that.

Honestly every goddamn time I sit down she calls for me. I can’t stand the sound of her calling my name. Interruption, interruption, interruption.

Ok, getting myself all worked up here. Lol.

Had an idea for a fundraiser for funds to help people travel to get abortions. Make these luggage tags and use them as a fundraiser. It’s a donation of time. Don’t need any more schemes I can’t follow through on though, so probably not. If anyone wants one in exchange for a donation, hmu. The luggage tag-travel thing is fitting, right?

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