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Language Log

Monday, Jun. 24, 2019 - 8:37 a.m.

Yesterday we went to another farmer’s market in a nearby town (since we had been too late for the one in Portsmouth). It was tiny, Q was disappointed (she expects croissants). So then restaurant, then playground, then children’s museum. That all went fine, but it was long and I was feeling done. So was Q.

Came home, took nap. Better.

Q, when she is disregulated, talks like a villain from PJ Masks. Permanent mocking/taunting intonation. It isn’t appropriately deployed, everything she says is in that tone, but without sarcasm. Wow, we hate it. So anyway I make her a sandwich, and bring it to her to eat in her room (we recently had a negotiation about her being able to eat in her room). I thought it was a nice thing to do because I knew she was wanting alone time. I had to go by to ask U what he wanted to eat anyway. But I guess she had expected me to leave it on the counter for her to come get, so she started yelling at me in that villain intonation that she didn’t want me to bring it to her, to take it back and put it on the counter. I refused to do that before talking to the boys, so she yelled at me the entire time while I asked whether they wanted sandwiches or hot dogs. Then I put it on the counter for her.

1. As J pointed out, she is training us to not be considerate of her by punishing us for trying to be helpful.

2. I know it’s about her inability to take others’ perspectives: to her, I did a thing that was wrong and upset her and that’s all that mattered. My intention in doing so did not. Does she even believe I didn’t know? I don’t think so. The fact that she had never told me that getting it off the counter herself was an important thing did not matter. To her it felt like I was being really mean when she was already having a hard time.

3. You can’t explain any of that to her in a way that will help her understand and manage her feelings as they’re happening. Nor hardly at all because she doesn’t like to talk about things that made her feel bad.

4. Even knowing all this, it really hurts when you think you’re doing something nice for someone and you get screamed at for it.

We really do try to detect, anticipate, and respect her routines but if she could figure out what they are and tell us everything would be much better.

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