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Thursday, Aug. 08, 2019 - 9:50 a.m.

The thing is, my morning work days are Tuesdays and Thursdays. Supposed to start after E goes to school at 8:30, roughly around 9. Can’t leave or really have any peace of mind until the morning drama is over. It’s almost 10:30 and he’s still refusing.

It’s not really fair that J has to do all the forcing. I make the lunch. But I’m not invested enough to force it and threaten and cajole. I’m too proud of my childrens’ noncompliance and too skeptical of school especially when not voluntary. I can’t force a crying child to do something that isn’t absolutely necessary, even if I do agree that if it were to go well, it would be good. He says he hates it. He is attached to his main teacher and refuses to do transitions where other teachers are in charge. I think he’s not ready. J thinks he can adapt. Just because he might be able to doesn’t mean he should have to if it’s this hard for him. Obviously he isn’t fucking ready. Seems obvious to me. But what the fuck do I know.

Right now J’s withholding the iPad to get e to let him put his shoes on him. The iPad is becoming the ultimate desire and reward. It’s going from being a thing he likes to being what he wants more than anything. And school is what is keeping him from it. I’m not a fan of this.

It’s supposed to be my work time, I’m just crying about this situation instead. I miss my routine and my normal life and I don’t want this to be the new normal. It can’t be and I hate it. But again, I’m not up to taking care of all of my children like I should be. If I were just better this wouldn’t be happening but I’m already doing my best and it sucks.

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