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Language Log

Thursday, Aug. 15, 2019 - 10:05 a.m.

Yesterday was bad. School refusal all morning, then took Q to swim with the boys along and that was fine until the end and there was some dispute over who would open the door and then something about acorns and I sat there crying until E decided it was time to get into his seat. Because he’s big enough now that it’s hard to force him in and then he can just unbuckle anyway.

Home, nap, restaurant, idk. Conversations about E and school. I tried to propose a plan to get him in activities and socializing more but realized I can’t actually do it. It’s too much. So shitty situation A or shitty situation B?

More conflict before bedtime because U won’t do anything but get meaner when he wants something, he never tries being nicer on principle. So I’m there and my 6yo is telling me to die and I’m saying sure, sounds good. I’d like to. And then realizing my honesty is probably abusive and sliding further into self loathing. I wish I could just be dead inside at least instead of being shitty and ineffective and then also feeling bad about it.

Today E made it to school (only an hour late) because J promised to stay with him all day. Not sustainable but hopefully a little step in the right direction.

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