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Language Log

Saturday, Sept. 14, 2019 - 2:32 p.m.

Yesterday E went on one of his tears and started making messes. Papers from the shelf all over the dining room. Magnatiles under that. I have been working so hard to keep the house tidy in the wake of the bedbug decluttering and in one fell swoop, it’s fucked up again.

I haven’t cleaned it up. There’s something about the kids making a mess of things and telling me “you need to clean that up” that makes me say NO. But I can’t make them do it either because I’m a shit parent.

Then today I had hit a wall of some kind wrt demands, like I’m sitting there and U just keeps coming up going FOOOOOD and then wants me to list everything before he’ll say what he’d like and as soon as I sit down from getting one thing, he does it again. Third time and he wanted orange juice so I said get it yourself, you can do that yourself. And he said fine but I’m gonna make a mess with it. And so now there’s oj all over the floor and GUESS WHAT I am not cleaning that shit up either. It’ll dry to a sticky mess and get tracked everywhere and the floor will be filthy.

It’s not fair to J or the others nor to myself because it makes me hate everything but MOTHERFUCKING NOPE.

I’m not really coping well today, I can feel myself in freefall. I don’t want to be like this on my trip, hope it passes before then.

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