Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2019 - 12:31 p.m.

In kitchen with mother in law. She tells me she saved a tv segment for me to watch that she knew I’d like. She puts it on without asking if I want to watch it right now.

I don’t want to watch it now. I don’t like tv, I don’t want it.

It’s about art and she’s right, I like the artist.

I stand politely and watch it and then thank her for showing me. I have had to use every bit of my concentration the entire time not to walk away and go upstairs, which is what I had been about to do when she called me back to show me the thing. I rock back and forth the whole time.

It was fine and it was of interest. I don’t like the tv. I don’t like 60 Minutes and it’s facile manipulation of my interest and emotions.

I go outside and J suggests I look fine to go to lunch. I snap at him, all tolerance for others’ influence over my doings GONE.

I think about how much effort I just used to mask, and U on the airplane. Reasonable, kind, considerate things are REALLY HARD sometimes. So much worse when you don’t understand the why.