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Language Log

Saturday, Nov. 23, 2019 - 10:17 a.m.

Second entry already. The first one was about sequins. Another thing I’ll say about the sequin pieces: the work that goes into them is camouflaged. They look like random sequins but I spend a lot of time and effort to cultivate that look. Colors. Shapes. What will look good next to this and near that. It’s much more difficult than a more orderly composition.

Frustrated because I don’t know how to make anything move forward. I get to a certain point and everything just stops. I don’t know how to push through that. The Patreon thing still feels like the right path, I’m not questioning that. I just want money also. I need to work on a piece now for a FB friend of a FB friend, a young black artist who is doubting what she has to contribute to the world...I have no idea what to put on it since I still feel that way regularly myself.

Holidays. Dreading them already (packages arriving already, mil making plans already) and J suggested we discuss my specific concerns so we can make it bearable for me. So here they are:
Having autonomy over my movements without having to announce my comings and going or coordinate overmuch. We discussed this already.

Meals. This may be the biggest thing, actually. Making dinner for everyone is hard because finding a menu that satisfies everyone is hard. Having people asking me when things when will be done and how they can help is hard. Doing it while trying to appear pleasant and conversational is hard. Doing it while people are asking me questions and children are interrupting me is hard.

Bringing in is also an interminable exercise. Not as bad but too many things, I just don’t want to worry about others or being hospitable, I just don’t have it in me anymore and no one will accept that. But I have to put up the act otherwise talking talking talking questions questions concern concern concern. The very prospect of patronizing concern makes me angry. And it’s not really about me, it’s about everyone else’s comfort, if it was about me people would let me be and not worry about me.

Going out to eat is horrible. Picking a place everyone likes. Getting everyone ready in time to go and it not be a nightmare. Coaxing someone to accept this restaurant or that one. One child or another always has a meltdown or serious difficulty of some kind every time it seems like (won’t go in, doesn’t like that table, doesn’t like that seat, doesn’t want to buckle in in the car) because they’re stressed too, and I always have to be at the center of managing it even if I didn’t want to be there or subject my family to that difficulty. Managing my own emotions when family is present observing me. Talking at dinner when I am bored out of my fucking mind and just want to leave. Then afterward talk talk talk. I don’t want to fucking talk. And it’s one or the other nearly every goddamn day for a whole month. Once or twice like for a normal family visit that lasts 3-4 days? I could suck it up. But for a fucking month, it’s too much. What’s the solution? Not eating together? Then I feel judged, or like everyone is disappointed.

What do I want to do? I want to do what I always do without additional people or situations to consider because I can’t do it, I can’t do it.

Next concern: the stuff. Time to have the yearly talk about keeping the number of gifts to a sane amount. 3-5 per family unit per child. If we can’t find 5 things Q is really gonna want, and there’s concern about equity, give everyone fewer.

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