Tuesday, Dec. 24, 2019 - 9:34 a.m.

Already overwhelmed by the day. Just thinking about it.

Started out thinking J and I would go to breakfast with bil and sil at my favorite breakfast place, but then they went ahead and ate without us (for good reasons) and I’m having trouble revising my expectations. J said I can go by myself in a little bit but that’s...not what I was expecting.

So I’m kind of really unhappy even though going by myself > going with others.

I’m just constantly teetering on the brink these past few days. Little things are magnified and my emotional response doesn’t care about logic. It’s like vertigo. “The room is not actually spinning.” “Guess I’ll fall over anyway”

Today there is so much to do I don’t even know. Let me see if listing it helps.

1. Bake some cookies, give away some cookies, this is my last chance to give them to neighbors, you can’t give cookies out after Xmas.

2. Wrap everything. I have my handmade cloth bags but still.

3. Make cut out cookies with the kids. I don’t want to at this point, but they do. Maybe a grandparent can be involved.

4. We will gather in one place and consume festive food at a predetermined time.

5. Make eggnog

6. Make the dough for the cinnamon rolls

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As I listened to my mother wax sentimental about the cognitive decline of my uncle’s partner for the 4th time, I was filled with irritation. Ok, she hears things that aren’t there, and has memory issues, cognitive decline is a thing. But what do you suppose is more tragic? That you hear music in the absence of stimulus, or that your so-called friend is going around emotionally masturbating in front of everyone over how sad it is that you’re losing your mind in your old age? All together now, let’s wallow. Let’s savor the details. Let’s magnify every sensational bit like it’s car accident porn. Mmmmmm

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