Monday, Jul. 20, 2020 - 11:04 a.m.

By evening every day I am very stressed out about issues with chores and so on. We’re leaving Wednesday. Not a moment too soon.

The lack of autonomy of the type I need gets to me. I am so sensitive to unspoken expectations, and I reject them reflexively even if I can agree logically that they are fine. It’s difficult to do even that sometimes though. I begin to feel like a monster and my thinking becomes deformed. I can describe it all well but it doesn’t help give me any control over it. I end up assuming all of my instincts are wrong. Gaslighting myself. Recognizing that and resenting it. I accept that I am wrong about everything, that I am unreasonable and lazy and selfish, and I feel terrible, but also I can’t do the things people want me to do, even assuming it’s all right. I get wound into a tight ball and have to retreat. That’s not what people want from me either. I become Avoid or Fight. Fighting makes people angrier, so I Avoid.

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Let me tell you the ideas I have so far about the OnlyFans.

1. It’s a free account and safe for work pics and process vids are free.

2. To onlyfans content creators, I’ll print an image for free if they’ll let me post the pic and any process videos and we’ll credit each other in our posts

3. Sometimes it’ll be pay to view. Sometimes it’ll be me but not often. I don’t know how other creators will feel about me charging for people to view their images, though (even though my art is the focus). Maybe in exchange for a small set or something? 2 for 1?

4. Anyone can have me print a pic of theirs for a tip (a commission, essentially). Private and not shared.

It’s a weird market though, I can’t decide if it’s for people who really like photography/art (is it interesting enough to keep an audience? I’m not a techie person with advice), or who really want to see nudes done this way (very niche: good or bad?), or for me to sell my services to people who would want the product. Or all 3? Can I do all 3 well?

It feels like too much. I don’t need an onlyfans to take commissions. I do want a site where people can see my erotica work. I want to do a project focusing on people who aren’t conventionally attractive, or who struggle with body dysphoria/body image. I do want to be able to attract more people of all sorts who will let me work with their images. I need to find a way to think clearly about this.

I have 2 projects: the erotica/kink photos and the unconventional beauty photos. These may overlap. What will be the product? A stream of digital images on a website? A photo book? An artist book? Just a body of work sitting in folder somewhere? A gallery show someday?

For revenue potential I have: people paying to see the images as I make them (patreon or onlyfans); commissions; selling prints on Etsy or products made with the prints on e.g. Society6.

I don’t know that my work is good enough for all of this. I feel spectacularly untrained most of the time.

“Pay me to be making images and let me show you what I’m doing” feels right, somehow, but the specifics are a mess.

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