Friday, Oct. 30, 2020 - 10:11 p.m.

Didn’t quite finish the last costume today. It won’t take long tomorrow though.

Called to check on my bra order and they had sort of fumbled the whole thing somehow. But I was able to pick them up today. The sports bra may be overkill for me, I feel like I should start jogging or trampolining or something to make proper use of it. Anyway they are all very nice and fit properly and I regret nothing.

I made bacon rosemary split pea soup. I ate that and the no bake cookies today. That’s it. No bake cookies are a problem for me because texturally they are a delight and I can convince myself they’re a valid meal because of the oats and coconut. But they are basically fudge with oats and coconut in them. I had the idea of doing a “granola” version of them with peanut butter, cinnamon, ginger, pecans, coconut, oats, dried cherries, dates, pepitas, maybe some wheat germ. But they run the risk of being too good and I’ll want to eat 2k calories a day just of those. I may have to try it though on principle.

I had this incident today that made me realize I have a...an acute and very abruptly activated emotional sensitivity to situations where someone is perhaps unhappy with me due to a communication failure and conveys this so obliquely that I can’t totally tell. Maybe I can tell something is amiss but I don’t know what. Today I’m still not sure but I do know that I spiraled very quickly into panic, defensiveness, perceiving unreasonable demands, and having a desire to jettison the entire person. That’s not even all of it. Just an intense avalanche of emotions about not getting how social interactions are supposed to work, doing it wrong, but not REALLY doing it wrong just being misunderstood, But is that self pity? feeling ashamed and resentful. Anyway I fell asleep from stress.

Anyway I have had this happen a few times lately as I try to form friendships and it seems like it’s very black and white: either everything is basically effortless, or these sorts of difficulties are chronic; work through one and then it happens again. I really should trust my instinct to call the whole thing off based on how stressful I find it. It feels selfish to call off relationships that are otherwise enjoyable because communication is stressful, but then again, my sense of my obligations to myself vs others is very skewed. I honestly don’t know. When people decide _you’re_ a jerk because _they_ don’t know how to convey their expectations properly...well. It’s not enjoyable. Why do that.

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