Monday, Feb. 22, 2021 - 9:11 p.m.

Still working on that order. It’s coming together. It’s still within my stated lead time window, so it’s ok. The pieces are looking good.

Went for a walk on the river walk the other night, when I came back to the car a window was busted and someone had stolen the charger cords.

On Sunday we had a very little party for E, with his one friend from school and his parents. Mom was there. With so few people, I was stuck having to talk to mom and E’s friend’s mom at the same time. There are competing masking demands there. I don’t like to reveal anything to my mother. If I am talking with someone else I always feel like she’s studying me. Trying to learn things about me. So I’m very minimal.

It wasn’t always like this and I don’t know when it got to be this way. Cumulative I suppose.

Meanwhile I genuinely like the other person, and would enjoy having a conversation with her if my mother weren’t there. But the combo of trying to be pleasant and engaged while also shutting down was quickly draining the battery.

Then there was one exchange that went like this:
Mom: so what kind of business do you have?
Jennifer: it’s a consulting business, [something something organizational businessy doing things better for the nonprofits].
Mom, to me: it must be nice to have a friend who knows about organization
Jennifer: I’m not sure what you’re getting at?
Me: yeah mom, what are you trying to say?
Mom: I think you know what I’m saying
Jennifer: well it’s nothing to do with spatial organization if that’s what you’re thinking of...(says more about her work)

So yes, she came over to our home for E’s birthday. It was messy. She filed that fact away so she could bring it up later in front of a near complete stranger and try to jokeshame me into... cleaning better, I guess? Content: I noticed your house was messy. I need you to know I noticed. I need you to know I don’t like that so you’ll be embarrassed and motivated to clean it. Because obviously that works.

Anyway, that’s why I don’t want her in my home or even looking at me any more really. Everything I do feels like fodder for trying to control me/ get me to do what she thinks I should be doing. And any praise is just as bad because it’s for the same purpose. If I were to object I know she just ridicule me for being so sensitive. And where is the line between good natured ribbing and whatever this is? I don’t think I’m wrong that she regularly crosses it.

Anyway. I didn’t enjoy it much.