Friday, May. 07, 2021 - 7:53 p.m.

I have this somewhat embarrassing list of things I want to buy.

Keep in mind the following life arc: living at home with very thrifty parents, working a job and carefully saving money in jars for various things. Move to college; no income of my own and very thrifty. Next 7 years broke as fuck in bad relationship. Then move in with J and be in grad school. Still accustomed to being very thrifty and not about to be too self indulgent myself with money I don’t feel I earned. Make even less money of my own as a stay at home parent.

Now with my pathetic transcription earnings I feel flush. And I have a list of indulgences I wish to purchase. Frankly I feel like it is wrong to act like the very small amount I earn should be enough to allow me to buy anything that is not a household necessity. It’s always wrong to spend money on things for myself.

Oh, and clothes in particular. Never ever really bought clothes for myself. Always a gift, or someone else paying, taking me to a mall as a social outing of their choice disguised as a favor to me. Maybe me returning something and exchanging in a store someone else picked. Someone else giving input into what I should get in one way or another. So it’s new. The closest was when I’d go to the thrift store or Marshall’s but now I see I wasn’t that excited about those things either really. And refusing to spend more than about $25 on anything is a restriction too. Very very limited self-indulgence, very much limiting how excited I could possibly be over anything. Which attitude is appropriate given my life, and my life hasn’t changed except for this pathetic pocket money, which I should put towards the household and not myself.

You can see I’m embarrassed about buying things for myself that I want. What’s embarrassing about it? I don’t know, but I’m ashamed to want to be able to just buy myself nice things I really like for some period of time. I don’t think the novelty will last forever. I won’t just keep doing it. Internalized consumerism or no.

Which is all to say the cryptid print shirt I wanted at the place I got my amazing kitty and flower print spandex cat suit was sold out because I hesitated because of this shame. So today I bought the other things that I wanted there that I would be sad if they sold out of.

I haven’t worn the cat suit and I haven’t worn my holographic combat boots yet because I don’t think I’ve left the house except to pick up or drop off kids, or to get my tattoo. And I am not wearing the cat suit to get my tattoo. Will I ever leave the house again for recreational purposes? Seems unlikely.

Anyway. There’s still a list to work through. Slowly maybe.

�