Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2021 - 7:29 p.m.

Today in a fit of motivation I put Halloween tablecloth on the table, one Q said she liked, and arranged the spider lights on it. I felt pretty good about it. I didn’t do any other decorating because I knew the kids would want to do it. Most of the decorations are in the box we didn’t open up yet.

Anyway someone knocked it all off the table and left a note that said, “NO”. I thought it was Q but she clearly didn’t know anything about it. So it was U. Our first note from him, how fitting.

Why do I even try. Why am I so fucking deluded for even a moment. It doesn’t matter what I do. It really fucking doesn’t.

Subsequent to this, I’m proud to say that despite how upset I was I didn’t get mad at anyone. First I had tried to talk to Q about it and she clearly didn’t know anything about it… later U came out and was very upset, I just comforted him and held him. Eventually he communicated that it was because E had torn his “NO” sign. So I taped it back up.

Note that he came to me for comfort and help and didn’t blow up at E. That’s growth.

Then I asked why he was upset and made the sign. Turns out he had thought his siblings had gotten to decorate without him, and he was mad about being left out. I explained that no, it was just me. And asked him if he wanted to help me put it all back on the table later. He said yes.

There was an entire side quest conflict with E wanting to watch videos 2 feet away from Q who just needed to do 5 minutes of schoolwork and needed silence. E ended up screaming for like a half hour. But it got resolved. I didn’t yell.

Minor suicidal ideation, maybe, but solid parenting. Is that good?

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