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Sunday, Mar. 13, 2022 - 8:09 p.m.

Took my mother to the zoo today for her birthday. Or that’s what the plan was. It all devolved very quickly, with disappointment, crying, fury, bullying. We ended up going out to eat. I took a gummy beforehand and it helped, but not enough. What I’d like is lidocaine for my brain.

I spent so much time getting dressed first. Trying so hard to select a shirt she wouldn’t say anything about. It occurred to me what I’d love is to be able to tell her I would prefer it if she not comment on my appearance, ever, whether she thinks she’s being complimentary or not. Yet, I can’t. That’s a boundary I must allow to be broken, right? Or her feelings will be hurt, right? Because she means so well. She’s decided what I should want to hear and will provide it, whether I want her to or not.

You’d think it would help me remember to tell her she looks nice, but I never do. It’s just not a thing I do. So I’m no different, I suppose. Although I feel there’s a difference, but maybe I’m just being self-serving with that thought. But a “don’t” is fundamentally different from a “I wish you would”.

I came home and fell asleep. Between the stress and the gummy it was overdetermined. But I’m still tired now.

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