Wednesday, Mar. 23, 2022 - 7:04 p.m.

A calligrapher I follow uploaded a sample demo for his classes. I can’t just sit and watch an hour long thing. I can’t just sit there.

This didn’t used to be a problem for me.

I am watching it in bits and pieces, though. He has a class coming up in May, I’d miss part of it, but it’s on doing large works, murals. I’m curious about that. He also has ones that are recordings of his lectures from last year, no interactive component, which suits me fine. They’re also cheaper.

Sat down yesterday and wrote a pen and paper letter to my old penpal. One sheet, top to bottom, no pauses. There was a time I wrote pages and pages and pages. And then a long time where I couldn’t imagine writing anything. And now, pen to paper again. Hmm.

A fB friend of mine wrote that when they were younger they wanted to accomplish things and strive to do things and achieve success and make a difference and all that, and now (they’re in their early 30s) they just want to care for their community and be a good friend and have a home filled with laughter.

I felt angry about that for some reason. Jealousy at that feeling of contentment? Maybe because I went through that homebody phase in my 30s too but it didn’t stick and now I don’t know what I want to do with myself. (I mean, I have my home and my people, but I also have an existence separate that I would like to continue to grow and develop in.)

I don’t entirely understand it, because I am interested in people. I like helping people. I just don’t want… to be obligated to this notion of what I should be doing. Someone else’s notion. Even though I don’t have any better ideas. I no longer think I want to throw dinner parties and shit. I like the idea of listening to people converse, optionally, but I don’t want to be involved.

�