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Saturday, Apr. 09, 2022 - 7:45 p.m.

I had not one but two stress shut down naps today.

The egg dyeing with my mother went well. She didn’t notice the tattoo.

My second painted in version of the bird beast, in all metallics, was only so-so. I think I may try a third, on good paper, watercolor pencils and with highlights in metallics. After that, I’m getting bored of it. I have a vision of these pieces in repeating patterns, various symmetries. But why. Why.

Dinner tonight was freezer burned.

J’s friend was visiting to give a talk. I like him. He was in our wedding, we used to go visit him in Leeds. I haven’t seen him in a while. J invited him into the house and proceeded to do the middle class tour of the house ritual. I was horrified. Our house is nothing to be proud of at this point and I can’t help but feel the shame and responsibility for that all on my shoulders. Because what do I even do?

And then I tried to converse and felt the hole getting deeper, that gulf between normal educated people having good conversation and this whatever this is I do after 2 years of being exposed to nothing but commies complaining about their mental health online. How have I been doing? You like my jewelry. Thank you. I stopped doing it for no goddamn reason and can’t seem to start again. Yeah. And also I uh.

He was very nice always but, well. The gap between me and what I feel I should be doing has never been larger. Some sort of accomplishment. Some sort of adult income. Some sort of vocation. I always was just a putterer, an unfocused, ambitious putterer but it is wayyyyyy less acceptable at a certain age.

All of this of course being my own baggage I drag around with me. No one else’s. Fuck ‘em, I say, until I’m forced to confront that the one who really needs to fuck off is myself.

I did clean up the patio a little for the sake of the egg dyeing. Found a big fat black widow and threw out the entire apparatus she was settled in on.

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