Friday, Sept. 24, 2021 - 10:45 a.m.

So yeah my mom is back. Still settling in to getting used to being on her own again. The doc declared her fully healed but she still has some issues she didn’t before. She may be healed but she isn’t unchanged.

I think the social needs are more too. She got used to being there surrounded by people and that’s what she needs really. I can’t do it.

I was just there yesterday and then she called again this morning another something butt she doesn’t just say the thing she has to say and then go. She has to do a full “and so how are you? How is your day? Busy?” Complete with pointing out that she’s noticed I’m not talking, can’t go without pointing out that once again I am not living up to expectations.

And the reason I’m not talking is because what I want to say isn’t kind and patient. It’s yes I’m working. I’m trying to work and you interrupted me and I don’t like being interrupted but I answered anyway because I thought you might need me but now that you’ve got me here you’re going to hold me hostage and that’s making me angry.

Is my anger justified. No. Wouldn’t it be nice if I was one of those lovely people who makes everyone feel important and like they have time to hear everything they have to say? Everyone loves those people. I am not one of those people. I am a person who has her own plans and agenda and doesn’t like it to be unexpectedly disrupted for anything. Even if my agenda is laying there inertly staring at the wall and visualizing beauty.

Anyway I ended up hitting myself in the head to control my potential outburst. I tend to disregard my self-harm, it’s just not important. But I do notice it because people say self harm is bad, and when people tell me I “should” this or that with her… “you should call her, you should go visit, we should have her over” what I feel is them saying that once again it is fine to put yourself in such a position of distress for the sake of her mild pleasure and comfort that you literally have to hit yourself in the fucking head to deal with it. She’s more important than you. Her feelings are more important than your well being. You are responsible for her feelings and they should be your priority. Or maybe you’re just an asshole.

And well that’s what she always taught me so I guess that’s right. I suppose I could just fucking stop being a selfish cunt and just do what I’m supposed to right? If I tried.

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