Saturday, Nov. 04, 2023 - 10:36 a.m.

Midway through the class today. I’ve found these are unexpectedly emotional for me and I’m having meltdowns again today. A series of small ones because I’m trying so hard to suppress them and move on quickly. Thank goodness my camera isn’t working. I keep collapsing.

1. I’m reminded of how deeply I love calligraphy and for how long I have. It’s kind of an unrequited love. It doesn’t love me, the whole thing is a fight with text and materials and patience.

2. I’m working with pointed brush today and I hate it because I am not good at at. Two good lines and the next one is shit and ruins the whole thing. The raw frustration of that. Even with my tools I love I can’t make them do what I want. The teachers, their every line is graceful. Mine should be too. Nothing redeeming in mine whatsoever though.

3. Because of that I hate wasting my good supplies. I hate wasting good paper for trash scribbling.

It’s supposed to be this inspiring, fun, thing, and it just feels like struggle in every possible way. I’m getting a lot out of it and I suppose growth will occur as it always does, but I just didn’t think it would be like this.

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