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Language Log

Sunday, Aug. 03, 2014 - 3:04 p.m.

Yes, it is hard to understand, and sad. I agree. He could never fight it, the disease the ate away at his brain and other organs. Liver. Kidneys. All he could do was sit and dream and confabulate a reality where he had a future. Where he did stuff. That and yell unkind things at people who wanted to help him do the things he claimed to want to do.

I don't really understand forgiveness, I have to tell you. At this point I feel mainly pity at the waste, pity for all the pain. But if I consider particular things he said or did, the lies that continue to reveal themselves (he told my mom he had made arrangements for after his death! The VA would take care of it! But guess what?!)...I still feel angry. I don't sit around getting myself worked up about it or anything, and it will be easier when the stream of lies stops flowing, but still. I don't know why I shouldn't continue to feel angry as long as I need to. I understand it's a disease and all, and I fundamentally do not blame him, or the man he once was, but still. The idiot didn't even take the meds that were supposed to keep him alive. He checked himself out of the hospital against doctor's orders as recently as a couple of weeks ago. He wasn't trying not one little bit. So how are we to feel?

Anyway, he's not any better today. My nephew called and they held the phone to my brother's ear so nephew could talk to him. Even though he couldn't hear.

Tomorrow they will begin removing life support.

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