Thursday, Jan. 25, 2018 - 6:54 p.m.

First day of co-op was hard and horrible. E, who was supposed to be the easy one, wouldn’t stay in his class. Had to help U and Q during first class while holding him. Second class went all to hell as U decided he didn’t want to go to his class, but to Q’s class (cooking) where they didn’t really have room for him. E came out again. E cried if I did one thing, U yelled at me everywhere, I couldn’t find where to go that he wouldn’t be disturbing people with his stupid hollering. We could have all just gone to the playground, but NO. That would have been too easy. So I collapsed in tears, everyone felt bad for me, let U and E go in cooking after all.

My class was scattered and disorganized. E cried the entire time one room over. Then came in after class and cried while I tried to do the cleaning up.

Now we’re home, I have the post-meltdown body ache and can barely stay conscious. Thought J was going to be done with his class at 6 but it’s 7 and he hasn’t answered texts. I am on very thin ice. I didn’t expect him to not be done at 6 and even when I’m not a blubbering mess that would be upsetting for me. I just need to know what to expect. I don’t need control, but I need to know what to expect. I was looking forward to having his help and it is another blow to not have that expectation met.

I got mad at kids at dinner because U threw a towel across the table when I was standing there about to pick it up, and it knocked E’s supper on the floor, pile of ketchup and all. Then I cut him a new one and went to get my own dinner and by the time I came back there was more hot dog on the floor. I asked them to pick it up and they refused, so I went kerplooie and ground it into the carpet with my foot and yelled at them about how fine, if that’s the kind of job we’re going do of taking care of our house and each other, lets just rub it in and leave it there forever and let the house get really stinky. Then left for my room with my supper, which was too spicy.

But Q came out and spearheaded an effort to pick up all the things off the floor to run the roomba and clean the mess. And they did. So that was maybe the best thing to happen today. I am still vertiginous and weak and the headache is still going.

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