Monday, Mar. 26, 2018 - 1:35 p.m.

J is back for a couple days.

Trying to manage my emotions over the apparent reality that the trip to Memphis will not happen. Normally I resist going, but I had come up with that scheme to visit FL from there and have spent the last several weeks fantasizing about kicking around my hometown all by myself, going to the beach for sunrise and sunset, not speaking to anyone (except Alice), and generally not having any demands made on me whatsoever for a few days. I got really invested in that vision.

What also bugs me is that our plans to visit are usually clusterfucks of other people planning things mainly to benefit their own preferences and schedules. And I though I had come up with something that would please everyone, and it isn’t working at all. Instead, if the trip happens, it will be at a time that will be very stressful to me (right before our trip to Vancouver or sandwiched between that trip and the beginning of the fall semester). So any decompression achieved in a side trip to FL will not last. Why is clusterfuck unavoidable?

My disappointment cannot be overstated. And then I feel shitty about that too, because the reason is that his parents are having painful medical issues, and I suppose I should be feeling bad for them. And I do. But I feel worse for me.

Going to download a texting app one of the nonverbal autistics in my group uses. I’m not nonverbal, usually, but if it helps, why not? Days like today, speaking feels like I’m dragging a cement block along behind me on a rope. All friction and drag, and people wondering why I can’t keep up.

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