Tuesday, Jul. 10, 2018 - 9:41 p.m.

I hate feeling like phoning it in is the best I can do, parenting-wise. I hate that I snap at them and am desperate, like wild-animal desperate to get away from their touches and incessant prattle. E would be charming if I had the energy for it. I want U to feel loved and welcomed, always. I can’t always pull it off. Every unexpected touch is a small jolt to my nervous system. Then they want me to pay attention and answer when they talk. Attentional resources going when I should be recovering. I can’t do this. I literally just cannot. And to be trying so hard and still failing....

Had a meltdown today. We went downtown and tried to donfun downtown things. 1. Strange place. 2. City. 3. Lots of people and noise. 4. Uncooperative children. We finally got out of there and J was gonna take them to a playground but then he had to go to the bathroom so I had to go be with them and Q was stuck on the climbing thing and U was asking me to do something I couldn’t and E was talking at me nonstop and by the time J got there I was overwrought. Walking in circles, scratching my head, finally holding ears and crying.

So fucking useless.

I did some calligraphy earlier and that was nice but I am slow to come down from that. So, I don’t get time to focus on work and I am irritable and snappish with a short attention span. I do get to work and I am spacey from not pulling out of Flow quickly enough. :/

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