Saturday, May. 11, 2019 - 1:51 p.m.

I went to the restaurant. It was crowded. There was a long line. I waited a little to find out how long the wait would be for one. The bar was full too.

I went back to the car without talking to anyone, drove to the parking lot across the street and had a meltdown. That’s me ugly crying and pulling my hair.

Feelings of deep shame at being a 45 year old woman with a car and a wallet with cash and credit cards, crying because she can’t eat at her favorite restaurant. What it looks like from the outside.

On the inside I know it’s because I couldn’t handle the combo of disappointment + constant mild depression + unexpected change of plans. I hadn’t been able to come up with a backup plan even though I had known I should, but was going so slow this morning I was afraid I wouldn’t get out at all if I waited to form backup plan first.

Then I called enough to drive home and collapse in bed to finish meltdown. Fell asleep, woke and felt better. Tried to form new plan, felt bad again. Thirsty. Hungry.

J brought me my water, took kids out. I still haven’t been able to figure out what to eat, nor have I drank the water sitting next to me. It has been 2 hours.

I want to figure out where I will go but can’t. I want to go somewhere good. Somewhere I don’t usually go with the family. But everywhere is busy today.

My day is shot, it’s gone worse than a usual day, not better and it’s no one’s fault but my own. I don’t want to cross over into just feeling sorry for myself but I am very frustrated and disappointed in myself. If I was gonna have a shitty day, J should have at least gotten some good work time in himself. Instead it’s all just a waste.

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