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Language Log

Sunday, Jul. 18, 2021 - 7:27 p.m.

Having a very hard time breaking away from my activities today. Sitting here embroidering away and thinking how disgusted everyone must be with me. Still, I have a hard time stopping or if I stop, it’s only to do some other fruitless bullshit up here. Fruitless bullshit like wage labor or exercise. Or scrolling FB, I cannot lie.

Sometimes I think of how if they knew I was toiling all day on and off for $25-35 dollars they would tell me I shouldn’t even bother, I should entertain my children instead like a good mother. Instead of whatever it is I am.

I don’t know, I seem to be low on spoons today, although I haven’t had a short temper or anything like that.

Oh so I have not been downstairs much. Sometimes I come down and stand around for a minute or two to be seen, and then someone asks me, “what are you doing?” And then I’m like I don’t know. I don’t know. I was told I should be seen downstairs. (I don’t say that part).

And then tonight they asked if I wanted to go along to pick up J at the airport and I said no and now I’m worried they think I should have said yes and now they are worried that I’m not wifely enough because I didn’t want to go, but as I say, I’m having a hard time leaving the bedroom today.

If I felt it was ok to not it would be much easier to. Oh Lordy.

They asked me to bring the trash down so they could put the trash out and I forgot and they looked annoyed that I forgot and then I said I would go upstairs and text with J about pizza and then bring down the trash but then I forgot about the trash again and they left to get him. I forgot again.

People didn’t expect me to forget when I was a kid (I did) and they don’t expect me to as a 47 (I do). Good for them that they didn’t forget things ever.

I forget and fuckers, I refuse to be all oH mY mEmOrY yeah FUCK my short term memory bitches it’s been fucked forever, just live with it. They assume I don’t have problems because I’m not a whiny bitch about it verbally in person (I save that for here, haha).

I guess my mental state is somewhat marked today, what shall we call it. I am fine.

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