Wednesday, Jul. 26, 2017 - 4:09 p.m.

I have to say that in general I feel that I am not doing very well right now. I've been worse (hello, 1995-2000), but lately I feel really mired. I blame the children. Well, sorry, but yeah. I don't like having demands made of me all day long. ALL DAY. And then when they aren't making demands I retreat into myself. Practice lettering or look at my phone. I should be cleaning because having the house a mess makes me feel worse, but I can't keep up with it. I feel like I am just withdrawing from everything.

I feel like I should be working harder at everything: getting them a social life, strewing things of interest for them, taking them to the library, doing science or something sometimes, cooking with them more often, reading to them more often, taking them places.

Cleaning the kitchen cleaning the counters putting the dishes away cleaning the stove clean the bathroom clean the other bathroom pick up all the toys or argue about picking up the toys sweep vacuum mop put away clothes bring a snack no a different snack make dinner no a different dinner.

There is this rut: get up. Snuggle boys. Break up a fight. Now I don't want anyone else touching me. Someone asks me for food but I was going to make breakfast but they don't want that, they want what they want and they won't stop asking even though I said I will make breakfast. I make breakfast. I make seconds. I eat something. I clean up a little in the kitchen. I sit down. They play or fight. Now they are asking me for lunch. I make lunch. I make seconds. I clean up a little in the kitchen. I eat something. I break up a fight, hang out laundry. Now it is almost time for screen time and I teach Q reading for 15 minutes. I practice letters until E wants a nap. I practice letters while he sleeps. Someone asks me for a snack. He wakes up. It is time to take Q swimming, or make dinner. We eat dinner. It is screen time. Someone asks me for a snack. I practice letters. It is bed time. They jump on my bed until the sheets come off. I break up a fight. I chase people around until they hold still long enough to go to sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Collapse. EVERY DAY.

The above gives the impression that they leave me alone while I prepare food and practice letters, etc. They don't. Someone is always fucking asking me for something, even if I am already doing the thing they are asking for. E is really into pouring things. Not water. Water will not do. It has to be milk or applesauce.

I want no one to touch me without asking first. I want only one person speaking to me at a time. I want no one to hit each other over a fucking game.

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