Sunday, Jul. 09, 2023 - 8:13 a.m.

The new shoes seemed comfortable enough, but by the time I got to the end of the block they felt like a choke hold on my feet. I was aware of them and how my feet were feeling about them for the entire walk. They tilted my right foot a certain way. Typically I’m probably out of alignment with it, walking on the outsides of my feet, but my muscles are going to hurt from the correction. I have had shoes that hurt worse, don’t get me wrong, and I know a 2 hour walk is no way to break in a pair of shoes, but… Anyway, home again, nursing my new heel blisters.

My walk turned into an opportunity to review all my anxieties.

I meant to pack our scale but forgot and the one here doesn’t work. I shouldn’t worry about a scale but it’s part of my morning routine. Not having it only makes things worse. I weighed myself on the one in J’s parents’ bathroom, but it was 5# more than I’d expected. If I were really 5# up I wouldn’t be able to fit into clothes I’m still fitting into. But the result of not having a scale is that I struggle even more with the sense that I really need to not be eating as much as I am. I’m not eating that much and should probably eat more. But that’s not how it works. Having my own scale would have allowed me to eat more with less anxiety.

The constant “am I doing enough? Should I be somewhere else, doing something else? Is someone disappointed with me for doing what I’m doing right now?” Is kicking in and teaming up with “I was not consulted about these plans and I will not cooperate with them just because people assumed I would by virtue of my being here” and it’s not a good scene, folks.

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