Saturday, Jul. 29, 2023 - 8:25 p.m.

I remember always having the wish that I could just _let go_, be absolved of responsibility for acting on my urges. Be catatonic and really absolved of interacting. Be insane. Be able to give myself permission, at the very least, to express my anger. It’s always anger. I wished I was a guy so I’d have dispensation to commit occasional acts of violence or angry outbursts where people would leave me alone afterwards, forgivable because some men just are like that sometimes. They aren’t considered particularly good ones, but they get away with it anyway. I even punched the wall a couple times but just hurt my hand.

She taught me to be passive aggressive too and I have worked hard and consciously not to be and I won’t be sorry that it triggers me when she is and maybe I turn into the meanest, coldest, angriest bitch around and maybe it’s totally unjustified because haha who cares if the 93 year old lady is passive aggressive? How can it possibly matter at this point? All that matters is that I’m an unforgiving selfish brat and that’s all that’s ever mattered.

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